Amy Collette

Yesterday I was listening to heartbreaking stories of remembrance on the radio, and I realized I had to turn it off for my own sanity. I felt a little guilty – maybe I “should” listen out of respect for those who died…

But there are countless ways to respect and remember.

Consider turning off the news and taking some time to reflect in a way that feels right.

I went out on a hike and found solace here:

It’s easy to say that happiness or any other condition in your life is a choice. But what does that mean? Does it mean that if I’m not happy that I’ve consciously chosen to be miserable?

Well, it means that you may have developed a habit of unhappiness. For instance, you probably know someone who is Doctor Gloom – always looking at the dark side of life, complaining about how things these days are just not as good as “back then.” I was just at a party, making small talk with some people I rarely see. One woman wished me a happy new year, then proceeded to tell me how everything was going to hell. I don’t think she saw the contradiction.

No matter where I steered the conversation, she was determined to draw it back to how things were different (meaning worse) than in “her day.” Whew! I felt drained and exhausted when I finally made an excuse to get another drink just to move away from her.

She is an extreme example, but we can get caught up in that victim thinking so easily. Because it’s all these things around us, and all those other people making bad decisions that make the world a sad place, right? There’s nothing we can do about it…

Except make a choice every day to see it differently.

It’s a practice – to start looking for other things, for the light side. It’s not until you start to do this that you realize that victim thinking is just a habit – one that most of us have.

For me, it started with gratitude. That’s the foundation of a whole life, of being a complete person. From there, I added other practices, like self-care, meditation, intuition, and healthy relationships.

It’s never too late to start a new habit – and it happens pretty quickly. I invite you to start today – not to make grand, sweeping resolutions that are impossible to keep. Just start with one practice. When you wake up or when you go to bed (or both!) breathe in the feeling of  gratitude. Let your breath take your mind to whatever floats up in your mind to be grateful for. And invite that feeling to be with you in your dreams and in your day.

It’s the start of choosing joy.

(More happiness practices)

Shelley Riutta in her excellent article, “The Power of Unconditional Love,” introduces you to a client who is frustrated in her marriage, thinking that if her husband would just change his crazy-making behavior, their marriage could survive.

Riutta invites her client to make a radical shift: to love those things about her husband. When I read that, it was like a kick in the head – it was so simple. But I fought it. Was I just supposed to give up my disapproval of anything that anyone I love does? The simple answer is – Yes.

I had to go take a walk and find a place to meditate on this. When I did, I realized that it was easy to do… But only if I could also do it for myself. It felt a little disorienting, because it is a radical change from how I usually think. It totally removes me from being any kind of victim in the relationship.

I had been obsessing about my weight and my husband’s lateness. How could I let these things go? I thought that the only way is to try it.

I said to myself, “I love that I can be flexible about my body, and love myself at any weight. And I love that Tom loves people so much that he finds it hard to break away for the next thing on his schedule.”

It started out as a “fake it ’till you make it” idea. The shift was subtle but profound. Thinking that the things that were most bothering me were now things that I could love, the things that I was overlooking came flooding over me. I realized that the judgment I had about these issues was like looking through a microscope at them – they took over the whole picture.

Now I could see things that I love about myself and about Tom. I had an overwhelming sense of lightness that has really taken hold of me since then. Gratitude has risen back up as number one in my life rather than resentment.

I invite you to try it.

I recently read one of those lists of wise words. This one was from a woman who was nearing one hundred years old, and it was her advice about how to live a satisfying life. One line that has really stayed with me is, “What other people think about you is none of your business.”

I read that line when I needed to see it, but at first it was a little jarring. Then I thought about it again and it made sense. Of course – I have no control over what other people think! I was struggling with being accepted. That wise advice helped me to let that go. It feels like freedom.

I woke up this morning out of a disturbing dream feeling angry. In the dream, I was mad at my brother for not taking care of himself – I felt that he had made poor decisions about how he lived. I thought that he was putting other peoples’ opinions above his own needs.

This dream was very vivid and has stayed with me all day. Finally, I took a few minutes, took some deep breaths, and asked tmy inner guidance what this meant. The answer came almost immediately – a gentle question asked of me: How have you been giving away your power – placing yourself at the bottom? How have you been leaving yourself behind?

Of course. It always comes back to self. With a sigh and a laugh, it was immediately clear to me that I do this in many ways. By fearing that what I do will make other people feel bad. By assuming that things must happen or be a certain way. By imposing rules on myself that I’ve learned from surviving a dysfunctional family. Those rules no longer serve.

The other important question that came through Spirit was: Why were you so angry at your brother? How do his choices about his own life have anything to do with you?

This one was hard for me to look at – I thought I was better at respecting the people I love – “letting” them live their lives. But – I’m my brother’s keeper, right? Wrong. He is best equipped to make his own decisions, as we all are for ourselves. What I can do is listen to him, love him, and lift him up to the light. And let him go.

I got off the phone just now with a friend who made me laugh – that up-from-the-center of your heart kind of laugh. She made my day. When I hung up I thought – “I just love her.”

That feeling comes so easily when it’s directed towards people I love.

So -when do you ever say that about yourself? “God, I love me. I’m a lot of fun!” A couple of years ago I read a book that challenged me to love myself more. And to start by repeating, “I love myself” for ten minutes. My chest got tight just thinking about it, but I decided to do the exercise. “Of course I love myself – why should this be hard?”

So the next day I had some time while I was driving, so I started. “I love me.” I felt funny, and it sounded weird. But, I kept at it. “I love myself. Amy, I love you. I love me, I love me, I love me.” I couldn’t believe the emotions I felt while doing this. I alternately laughed and came close to tears – why is it ridiculous or sad to love myself? And after about five minutes into it, it started to sound and feel like I might almost mean it. I looked at the clock and thought, “10 minutes is a long time!” But I kept at it.

Those few minutes in the car contained a breakthrough for me. That catharsis helped me grow in a thousand different ways, because by loving myself, I’m able to treat myself the way I treat other people I love. It allowed me to accept the love within – without that heartfelt love for myself, I was like a closed fist. And a closed fist can’t receive or give.

I invite you to accept this same challenge and see where it takes you.