Amy Collette

By anticipation, I really mean worry. I was up all night with my heart pounding, rehearsing a difficult conversation. The hard part about that is – I could only have one side of the discussion!

I tried to anticipate (there’s that word again) what the other person would say. Of course none of my worries came true.

Heart pounding still, I confronted a colleague. He was completely unemotional, and listened respectfully to what I said. He even thanked me for the input, as he was unaware of the issues.

So why was I so worried? I realized in the middle of my sleepless night that it had nothing to do with him or our relationship. It has to do with confronting my fear of conflict.

Conflict is not just scary for me- it’s terrifying. I know from childhood experience that bad things can and do happen  – ranging from screaming to hitting to throwing things. Has this ever happened to me outside my family? No. But that fear of danger is so deep, it has kept me quiet- cowering in the corner when any argument breaks out.

So – it’s only natural that situations will continue to arise in my life that force me to face this fear. As I realized this in the dark last night, I felt the gratitude that comes with letting something go.

So does this mean that I’m no longer a conflict coward? Probably not – so I’m on the lookout for the next opportunity to confront it bravely. In the meantime, I need a nap… Zzzz